I should be sleeping

I say these words nearly every night.

I should be sleeping.

But instead, I’m up scrolling my newsfeeds, refreshing over and over even though I know it’s 2am and none of my friends are awake.

I should be sleeping.

But instead, I’m up worrying about bills and how I’m not contributing enough to this family and how I’m probably screwing my kids up because I can’t get my mental health in check and how I’m not even sure if my husband loves me anymore or if any of my friends actually like me even though I know those two things are just in my head and how every time I try to do something to make myself more successful or happier or just not me it goes wrong.

I should be sleeping.

But instead I’m having an existential crisis because our world is falling apart and I’m just one person and I don’t matter in the big picture even though I matter in a hundred tiny pictures.

I should be sleeping.

But instead, I’m checking on the kids. Twice. Three times. Four times. Because the nightmares I have when I don’t check on them throughout the night are worse than not sleeping at all.

I should be sleeping.

But 2am is the only time my house is quiet, and dammit sometimes I just need some peace.

I should be sleeping.

But depression and anxiety and insomnia have teamed up against me once again. Like they have pretty much constantly since the 4th grade when I learned that my family was full of secrets.

I should be sleeping

But instead, I’m writing my thoughts down because sometimes I feel like that’s the only thing I have that’s mine.

About Me

I’m Renae McBrian

15356477_10211609642979908_5586700418734398207_n

I’m 25, a mom, a reader, and a writer. I post reviews and book recs and random posts about my writing. I am currently working on my second novel, and I will post updates about that on here, but it’ll be very rare that I post any actual content from my book because I don’t want it to be taken by someone else. Pardon the fact that I’m awful at writing book reviews… I just don’t know how to put my thoughts into words when it comes to my opinion on books! The format and length of my reviews is sure to change along the way. I’m open to suggestions on books to read, as well as the format of my reviews, things you want to know about my writing, etc. Just leave me a comment and I will reply as soon as I can! I can also be reached at any of the social media outlets below!

Happy reading!

Facebook
Instagram
Patreon

I’m not okay.

Again and again and again, I find myself writing these words. I’ll get a little better, and then I’ll get a lot worse. My mental health is deteriorating so quickly and I don’t know how to salvage what’s left. I can’t afford therapy or medication. I’m too fucking depressed to go outside and get fresh air. Half the time I’m either neglecting my kids completely or yelling at them because my anxiety manifests in uncontrollable outbursts of rage, and I feel like a shitty parent so then I just feel worse. And then the loop continues.

I don’t know what to do any more. I don’t talk about my problems any more because talking doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me pissed that I can’t change things. So I just keep it all bottled up and it’s wearing me down in a bad way.

I’m not okay. And I’m getting increasingly worse.

Reviews Coming Soon!

Okay, so I got pretty behind on my reviews because I just sort of packed in the books at the end of 2016 and they call got all jumbled so I never got around to doing them. Soooo, I’m going to make Sunday my official book review dump day. If I forget to review a book or two or six (oops), I’ll just dump all of those posts in one day.

This will start next week, since I’m scrambling today between my kids and MuggleNet work and helping my friend with his book. But just know, they’re coming!

Happy New Year — A Goals Post

Hello loves!

I cannot believe how fast 2016 came and went! I feel like globally, 2016 was INSANE. However, personally 2016 was pretty great for me. I accomplished a lot, I overcame a lot of obstacles, and I got a LOT of writing done.

Last year, my writing was sporadic at best. I would put in 110% for a few weeks, and then not do anything else for just as long.

This year, I want to be different.

You all pledge your support to me, and now I am making my own pledge– to provide content worth supporting.

Here’s my super informal plan for my Patreon writing for the next twelve months! It may change as time goes by, depending on what my novel has in store for me and how crazy life gets once Bryce starts school this fall, but right now, this is what I plan to give you guys:

Letters– One letter a month, from one character to another (or more than one other). Topics, genre, and length will vary. This will be fiction.

Seasons– Four short stories, each taking place in the same place, but in a different season each story.

Lifetime– One short story during childhood, adolescence, adulthood, and late life; same character each time.

Flash fiction– One short story per month, under 1000 words.

Prompted story– One short story per month based on a writing prompt I find online (or someone gives me), 3000-10000 words.

Parallel friendship– A group of four friends, three posts from each point of view, over the course of one year in their lives.

I can’t wait to continue to share my writing with all of you, and to continue to get all of the wonderful feedback I’ve been getting!

Thank you all for your continued support, and I look forward to another wonderful year with all love you! If you do not currently support my patreon page, but would like to, please visit patreon.com/renae and hit that awesome orange button! Honestly, like $1 or $2 a month is AMAZING, but the amount is totally up to you!

xox

R